Fixations in autistic children are not uncommon. Parents may find themselves caught in repeated requests or demands — “Wear your hair down,” “Only wear the blue shirt,” or “Don’t change your shoes!” While these requests may seem controlling or arbitrary, they are often rooted in deeper needs for predictability, comfort, and sensory regulation.
Olga Sirbu will explore why fixations in autistic children occur and provide practical, real-world strategies you can use to gently reduce them over time — while supporting your child’s emotional needs.
Understanding Why Fixations in Autistic Children Happen
Children on the autism spectrum often crave predictability and routine. Even something as simple as how a parent wears their hair or the color of a shirt can bring a sense of comfort and order to their world. When that pattern changes unexpectedly, it can feel overwhelming and frightening.
In many cases, fixations are not about control, but rather about security and sensory preferences. A child might like the feel of a specific fabric or the visual movement of hair worn a certain way. Recognizing these preferences as coping tools allows us to approach the situation with more patience and empathy.
Strategy 1: Start with Small, Gradual Changes
The technical term for this approach is gradual desensitization. It means introducing changes slowly and in manageable steps so that the child can adjust at their own pace.
For example, if your child insists that you always wear your hair down:
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Start by tying back a small section.
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The next day, tie back a little more.
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Continue this process gradually until they are comfortable with a full updo.
If a child wants dad to wear the same shirt every day:
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Introduce a shirt in a slightly different shade.
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Over time, rotate other similar shirts in.
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Slowly expand the variety while maintaining the same style or fabric.
This method respects the child’s need for sameness while gently stretching their tolerance for change.
Strategy 2: Offer Controlled Choices
Many children with autism feel powerless when changes happen unexpectedly. Giving them controlled choices allows them to feel in control while still guiding them toward flexibility.
Instead of saying, “I’m not wearing my hair down,” try:
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“Should I wear a ponytail or a braid today?”
Or instead of, “I won’t wear the blue shirt,” dad could say:
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“Would you like me to wear the red shirt or the green one today?”
Controlled choices reduce the likelihood of a meltdown and build the child’s decision-making confidence.
Strategy 3: Use Timers and Clear Time Frames
Children on the spectrum often struggle with sudden transitions. One effective way to ease the stress is to use timers or visual schedules to indicate when a change will happen.
If your child asks you to change clothes immediately:
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“I will change my clothes after dinner. Let’s set a timer, and when it beeps, I’ll change.”
Or if they want your hair down:
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“I hear you. I’ll do that at 9:00, after I brush my teeth. Let’s look at the clock together.”
These time-based cues reduce anxiety by making the change predictable and manageable.
Strategy 4: Use Visual Supports and Social Stories
Visual aids can be powerful tools for autistic children who process information more easily through images.
Create a visual schedule with pictures of you wearing different hairstyles or outfits. You can also use social stories that gently introduce the concept of change:
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“Sometimes mommy wears her hair up. That’s okay. She’s still the same mommy.”
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Use dolls, drawings, or characters to model variety in appearance.
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Make a fun game of choosing new looks for dolls or photos of family members.
Visuals allow children to preview and rehearse changes before they happen, making transitions smoother.
Strategy 5: Teach Safe Words and Physical Boundaries
Sometimes, a child might react physically when faced with change — pulling hair, grabbing clothes, or even hitting. This isn’t aggression in the typical sense but rather a stress response to an unpredictable situation.
To handle this:
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Teach and model safe words such as “Stop, I don’t like that,” or “Gentle hands.”
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Stay calm and firm.
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Gently remove their hands and repeat the boundary words.
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Praise and reinforce when they use appropriate behavior.
Over time, your child will learn better ways to express discomfort without resorting to physical reactions.
Strategy 6: Use Songs and Educational Videos
Children with autism often respond well to music, rhythm, and repetition. Incorporate songs and visuals into your teaching.
A great example is The Boundary Song on YouTube, which teaches personal space and appropriate behavior in a fun, engaging way.
Use these tools to reinforce concepts like:
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“It’s okay when things are different.”
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“We can try new things together.”
Videos and songs act as social models and provide comforting structure through repetition.
Strategy 7: Reinforce Flexibility with Praise
Every time your child tolerates a small change, celebrate it.
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“Wow! You let me wear my hair up today. That’s awesome!”
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“You did a great job letting Daddy pick a different shirt!”
Praise should be immediate and enthusiastic to build positive associations with flexibility.
You might even offer a small reward — a favorite activity, sticker, or snack — to further reinforce progress.
Strategy 8: Set Clear Expectations and Gentle Limits
While empathy is essential, so is setting healthy boundaries. It’s okay to say no — what matters is how you say it.
Instead of, “No, I’m not wearing that,” try:
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“I know you want me to wear the blue dress. Today I’m choosing this one, but you can pick my outfit on Saturday.”
This shows you respect their feelings while teaching them that they don’t control others, and that compromise is part of life.
Strategy 9: Introduce Replacement Behaviors
If your child fixates on your appearance, try redirecting their attention.
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Offer a sensory object if they enjoy a specific texture.
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Suggest a favorite activity right before getting dressed to shift their focus.
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Encourage involvement in helping you get ready, like choosing earrings or a scarf.
Providing an alternative keeps their mind engaged in a positive, empowering way.
Strategy 10: Use Antecedent Planning
Planning ahead is one of the most effective ways to reduce stress around changes.
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Show your child your planned outfit the night before.
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Say, “Tomorrow, Mommy will wear this shirt.”
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Let them touch it or even help pick out something that goes with it.
By preparing them in advance, you reduce the emotional impact and encourage a more flexible mindset.
Final Thoughts: Patience and Progress Go Hand-in-Hand
If your child struggles with fixations, remember: this is not bad behavior. It is their way of trying to feel safe in a world that often feels overwhelming.
Change doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay.
With patience, compassion, and consistent strategies, your child will learn that different can be not just okay — but even fun and exciting.
Every small win counts. Celebrate the progress and stay hopeful. Your calm guidance is the most powerful tool in helping your child grow more flexible and confident in the face of change.
Also read: How to Help Your Child with Autism Change Routines Calmly
About Olga Sirbu
My name is Olga Sirbu, I am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Licensed Applied Behavioral Analyst. My goal is to support and empower families and individuals on the autism spectrum.
Autism Advance is dedicated to training parents and caregivers, providing practical tips, and teaching individuals how to educate kids with autism.
I share evidence-based practices to help you better understand and support individuals with autism. Learn practical strategies to help individuals with autism reach their full potential, as well as gain a deeper understanding and acceptance of autism.
Thank you for considering Autism Advance as a resource for your autism journey.
