If you’re a parent of a child with autism, you might have noticed that your child insists on doing everything with one parent—whether it’s bath time, bedtime, car rides, or even simple daily tasks. This can be emotionally exhausting and sometimes even frustrating, especially for the other parent who feels left out. This behavior is known as parent attachment rigidity, and it’s a common experience for families raising children on the autism spectrum.
The good news? While this attachment behavior may feel limiting and difficult, it is something that can be gently reshaped over time. Olga Sirbu explores why kids with autism prefer one parent, and offers practical, compassionate strategies to help your child feel more comfortable and secure with both caregivers.
What Is Parent Attachment Rigidity?
Parent attachment rigidity refers to a child’s strong and often inflexible preference for one parent over the other when it comes to caregiving and everyday routines. In autistic children, this kind of rigidity is not just a matter of emotional preference—it’s rooted in their need for structure, predictability, and sensory consistency.
This behavior often appears as:
-
Insistence on only one parent for certain routines.
-
Meltdowns or protests when the other parent tries to take over.
-
Refusal to engage with the less preferred parent during transitions or tasks.
This isn’t about rejection or favoritism in the way we might normally think about it. It’s more about familiarity and predictability, which are especially important to children with autism.
Why Does This Happen?
Understanding why parent attachment rigidity occurs is the first step toward helping your child become more flexible. Several factors contribute to this behavior:
1. Need for Routine and Predictability
Autistic children often rely heavily on routines to feel safe and grounded. When one parent consistently handles certain tasks, it becomes part of a predictable pattern. Introducing a different parent can feel like a disruption, leading to anxiety or emotional discomfort.
2. Sensory Preferences
Children with autism are usually sensitive to sensory input—how someone talks, touches, moves, or even smells can greatly influence their comfort level. If one parent’s voice is softer, their movements more predictable, or their touch more comforting, the child may strongly prefer that experience.
3. Emotional Safety
Children often associate safety with routine, and if a certain parent is always present during times of stress or comfort, that parent becomes a secure emotional anchor. Any change to this pattern can trigger resistance or distress.
4. Difficulty with Transitions
Transitions can be overwhelming. Changing from one caregiver to another feels like a major shift for some children, not just a simple change in who’s helping. This can lead to emotional outbursts, shutdowns, or anxious behaviors.
Six Practical Strategies to Reduce Parent Attachment Rigidity
Although this type of attachment can be challenging, there are effective strategies to help your child become more flexible and form strong, positive connections with both parents.
1. Gradual Involvement of the Less Preferred Parent
Instead of switching caregivers suddenly, try a step-by-step approach:
-
Begin with the preferred parent doing the task alongside the less preferred one.
-
For example, if Mom usually gives the bath, have Dad participate by handing over the towel or playing with bath toys.
-
Slowly transfer more responsibilities to the second parent while the preferred parent stays close by.
-
Over time, let the preferred parent take a step back, until the child is comfortable completing the routine with the other parent alone.
Key Tip: Keep these interactions calm, positive, and consistent. Trust takes time to build.
2. Make the Other Parent Fun and Predictable
Children with autism respond well to structure—but also to joy. Help create positive associations with the less preferred parent:
-
Designate a special activity that only this parent does with the child (e.g., a bedtime story, snack time, or a favorite game).
-
Use visual schedules or simple social stories that include the second parent in the day’s plan.
-
Use predictable, reassuring language like: “Today Dad will brush your teeth, then we’ll read your favorite book together.”
Even if your child resists at first, keeping the routine consistent will help build trust over time.
3. Use Transitional Objects
Transitions between caregivers can be softened by using familiar, comforting objects:
-
If the child prefers Mom, she might give them a small bracelet, toy, or note when spending time with Dad.
-
Pair the object with positive, reassuring words like:
“This is a special bracelet from Mommy. Daddy’s going to take you to the store, and I’ll see you when you get back.”
Over time, as your child gets used to spending time with both parents, you can gradually phase out the object.
4. Stay Consistent and Calm
Consistency and emotional tone are crucial. If your child senses anxiety, frustration, or uncertainty in the transition, they’re more likely to resist.
-
If they cry or protest, don’t immediately switch back to the preferred parent.
-
Use gentle reassurance, like:
“I know this is different, but Daddy is helping with bedtime tonight, and it’s going to be a great time.” -
Don’t expect overnight results—repetition and calmness will lay the foundation for change.
5. Slowly Expand Roles
Once your child is comfortable with a single routine handled by the less preferred parent, gradually build from there.
-
Start with a small task (e.g., brushing teeth).
-
Once that becomes routine, introduce another (e.g., morning drop-off or snack time).
-
Always use the same method of gentle involvement and emotional support.
The goal is for your child to see both parents as equally capable and loving figures in their everyday life.
6. Prepare the Child for Changes in Advance
Helping your child anticipate changes can reduce resistance:
-
Talk about the next day’s schedule during bedtime, clearly stating which parent will handle each task.
-
Example:
“Tomorrow morning, Daddy will wake you up and make breakfast. Mommy will help you get dressed and take you to school. After school, Daddy will pick you up and play Legos with you.”
This preparation gives your child a sense of control and understanding, reducing anxiety and improving flexibility.
Why Kids with Autism Prefer One Parent – Final Thoughts
Parent attachment rigidity can be frustrating—not just for the non-preferred parent, but for the entire family dynamic. It’s important to remember that your child isn’t rejecting the other parent out of dislike or disobedience. They are simply relying on what feels safe and known.
With time, patience, and the right techniques, you can gently help your child expand their emotional comfort zone and strengthen bonds with both parents. Every small step toward flexibility is a win worth celebrating.
Supporting Each Other as Parents
If you’re experiencing this challenge in your family, know that you are not alone. Many families with autistic children face this same issue. Sharing experiences, staying informed, and supporting one another can make the journey smoother.
So don’t hesitate to reach out to parenting communities, therapists, or specialists for further guidance.
Also read: How to Help Your Child Sleep in Their Own Room
About Olga Sirbu
My name is Olga Sirbu, I am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Licensed Applied Behavioral Analyst. My goal is to support and empower families and individuals on the autism spectrum.
Autism Advance is dedicated to training parents and caregivers, providing practical tips, and teaching individuals how to educate kids with autism.
I share evidence-based practices to help you better understand and support individuals with autism. Learn practical strategies to help individuals with autism reach their full potential, as well as gain a deeper understanding and acceptance of autism.
Thank you for considering Autism Advance as a resource for your autism journey.
