Managing the aggression remorse loop in children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) requires a compassionate and informed approach. Aggression in children with ASD can be distressing for both the child and their caregivers. However, it is equally important to recognize the deep sense of guilt and shame that can follow such episodes. Understanding the aggression remorse loop, and how guilt manifests differently in autistic children, is crucial to providing effective support.
Understanding the Aggression-Remorse Loop
The Mind-Body Disconnect
During an aggressive outburst, a child with autism may be aware of their actions, such as hitting, kicking, or screaming. However, their brain often struggles to process the consequences of these actions in real time. The immediate need for sensory or emotional release can override their ability to grasp the impact of their behavior on others or their surroundings. This disconnect between mind and body is a primary factor in the aggression-remorse loop.
Delayed Processing
After the episode ends and the child begins to calm down, they may start to process what happened. This delayed awareness can result in overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame as they realize the harm or disruption caused.
Expressions of Guilt
Guilt and remorse in autistic children may not appear the same as they do in neurotypical children. Instead of saying “I’m sorry” or showing remorse through typical gestures, an autistic child might:
- Cry or engage in self-injurious behaviors.
- Withdraw or seem non-compliant or distant.
- Engage in heavy stimming, such as rocking, whining, or moaning.
Unfortunately, these behaviors are often misunderstood. Caregivers or professionals may misinterpret them as manipulative or as additional autistic behaviors rather than recognizing them as expressions of guilt.
Supporting a Child Experiencing the Aggression-Remorse Loop
1. Acknowledge Their Feelings
Acknowledging the child’s emotions helps them feel understood and supported. For example, after an aggressive episode, if the child is crying and pulling at their hair, you can calmly say:
“I see you’re upset. It’s okay to feel this way. Sometimes big feelings are hard to handle, but we’ll work through it together.”
By labeling their emotions, you help them understand and process their feelings without judgment.
2. Create a Safe Space for Processing
After an aggressive episode, provide the child with a quiet, comfortable environment where they can decompress. Equip this space with tools like weighted blankets, noise-canceling headphones, or preferred sensory items. For instance:
- If the child begins hitting themselves, gently guide them to a quiet area and offer these calming tools.
- Say, “Let’s take a break here. You can wrap yourself in the blanket or use your headphones to help you feel better.”
3. Encourage Healthy Emotional Expression
Teach the child alternative ways to express guilt or remorse. This can include:
- Using visuals or communication cards with phrases like “I’m sorry” or “I need help processing my feelings.”
- Encouraging drawing or writing about their emotions if verbal expression is difficult.
Normalize emotions by modeling statements like:
“Sometimes I feel bad when I hurt someone, but I can say sorry and try to do better next time.”
For example, after a meltdown, if the child struggles to articulate their feelings, hand them a laminated card with emojis and phrases such as “I feel bad” or “I need help.” If they point to “I’m sorry,” respond with:
“Thank you for telling me. It’s okay to make mistakes, and I’m here to help you.”
4. Address Aggressive Behaviors Proactively
Identify Triggers
Keep a record of when aggressive episodes occur and look for patterns related to sensory overload, changes in routine, or unmet needs.
Develop a Safe Plan
Create strategies to redirect aggression safely. For example, teach the child to hit a pillow instead of themselves or others.
Build Coping Skills
Work with a therapist or Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) to teach strategies such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or using a calm-down card. For example, if the child becomes aggressive during transitions, use a visual timer and say:
“In five minutes, we’ll clean up and go to the table.”
5. Avoid Planned Ignoring
Ignoring a child’s behavior, especially during moments of guilt or distress, can exacerbate their feelings of isolation. Instead, gently engage with them in a nonjudgmental way. For instance:
- If the child starts crying but doesn’t make eye contact, sit nearby and say:
“I see you’re crying. I’m here if you want to talk or if you just need a hug.”
6. Teach Emotional Regulation
Help the child recognize and name their emotions through tools like emotion charts or social stories. Practice co-regulation by modeling calming techniques during stressful moments. For example:
- Use an emotional chart with pictures of faces showing happiness, anger, sadness, and more.
- Ask the child to point to the emotion they felt during a particular moment, such as when a toy broke.
Bridging the Gap
Caregivers and professionals often struggle to understand the unique ways autistic children express guilt and remorse. This misunderstanding can lead to frustration. It is essential to bridge this gap by learning their emotional language. Just as autistic children work to understand neurotypical communication, caregivers must strive to understand the ways autistic individuals express emotions.
How to Manage Aggression Remorse Loop in Kids with Autism – Final Thoughts
The aggression-remorse loop is not a sign of a child being “bad” or manipulative. It reflects the complexity of autism and the unique ways children on the spectrum experience and express emotions. By approaching these moments with empathy, patience, and understanding, caregivers can help their children move beyond guilt and build healthier ways to regulate emotions and behaviors.
Every meltdown or aggressive episode is an opportunity to grow together and strengthen the bond of trust and support. With the right strategies, we can guide children with autism toward emotional resilience and a deeper sense of self-understanding.
Also read: How to Manage Disrobing Behavior in Children Effectively!
About Olga Sirbu
My name is Olga Sirbu, I am a Board Certified Behavior Analyst (BCBA) and Licensed Applied Behavioral Analyst. My goal is to support and empower families and individuals on the autism spectrum.
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